Six Year Old's Suit Fails in 9th Circuit Nail-biter

"We are absolutely devastated. We've put all our time and resources into this case for the last 17 months", said Bill Suesalot, father of Clarise Suesalot. Clarise initiated a lawsuit against SuperKidsPartyPlace after she was manhandled and forcefully ejected from the premises on her fifth birthday for violating rule #4 at the self-proclaimed "best birthday place ever". "Her initial case was rightfully denied on technical grounds", felt law Professor Lyman Paperchase of UCLA, "but the appeal looked to have serious merit." Not surpisingly, SuperKidsPartyPlace was well represented by a team of aggressive attourneys. "Come on, rule #4 has been in place for several years", declared Willy Camembert the mid-morning shift manager, who was called as a witness, "we just can't let the kids bring their own food! Pizza and root beer is what we serve. What kid doesn't like pizza and root beer? I mean, a kiwifruit? No kid chooses a kiwifruit over pizza and root beer. How do I feel? Vindicatated, man, totally vindicatated!" Chief Judge Roberta Robertson, who has held the highest post in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals since the Reagan era said, "This was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. But a rule is a rule, and there simply is no legal precedent in place to further the appeal of Ms. Suesalot." Clarise gave a public statement after the decision on the steps of the San Francisco courthouse. "Well, we tried. Last week we settled for $1.4 million in the civil suit, which Daddy says should be enough to pay for law school for me someday. I'm glad we made 'em pay for the hurt shoulder and skinned knee I got from the door monitor. That guy won't be hurting any more kids." Court insiders and Prof. Paperchase had predicted the case might go all the way to the US Supreme Court. A similar case in Omaha may now prove more difficult for Bobby Chikenchit, who, along with three of his friends, is suing Marty McFly's, a popular fast food restaurant based loosely on the character from Back to the Future, for enforcing an age restriction on the "grab a toy on your way out" toy well. The four boys are all several years older than the maximum allowed age at McFly's, but they felt the restriction was unjust. We reached Bobby for comment on Clarise's case and he said, "That's tough for Clarise, but my lawyers and I still think we have a better legal standing. We'll know soon enough. Our case comes up in May."